The Divorce

Going through a divorce is not a fun process and I don't think I would wish it upon my worst enemy. One very important thing I learned was true colors come shining through. There was one question I kept asking myself and others and that was, "Who is he?" He is not the person I married. He is not the kind, caring and understanding man I loved. He turned out to be a cruel, heartless and mean person.

I think the actual court date was the worst of any. I really felt like I was in a lifetime movie and I was numb. His lawyer was a complete jerk and tried to get some outrageous things. I, on the other hand had a great lawyer and I thank my lucky stars everyday I had him. His lawyer tried to make it seem like I was the one that wanted this divorce just because I filed first. He tried to make it look like I was trying to keep the boys from their dad. He tried to make it look like he was struggling financially. My lawyer shot every single thing right down and the judge saw right through it.

I was doing really well and had not broken down UNTIL... it was told that he was living with his "girlfriend", aka, HOMEWRECKER and she was not paying rent! REALLY??? Here you sit trying to say oh I can't afford to pay her any money to take care of our kids but my whore is living with me for FREE!!! What a jackass. At that moment I knew he had been lying to me and the boys knew who she was. I was so upset.

In the end, the judge was very fair and I ended up getting almost everything I asked for. I tried to tell him that if he divorced me he would be poor and I was right. In order to understand that statement let me tell you a little something about this man I married. HE WAS A TIGHTASS!! Any time he would spend money his ass would squeak!! So, the sweetest revenge for me is when his pocketbook takes a hit. I know this must make me sound like a gold digger but I am really not. It is just that he was so callous towards me and the one way I know he is hurting is by seeing his precious money slip away!

Will it ever get easier?

Every time I start to feel like I am moving on, I have a really bad day or week where I am angry, hurt, sad and frustrated. I sit and wonder, when will this get easier? When will I not be angry anymore? When will I stop wondering, what happened? I just want to be happy again. I want to feel like myself again. I want to wake up in the morning and not have to think about my marriage ending and question myself. I want to go through one entire day without thinking about him. I want to have one day where I don't get angry at my kids for no reason at all. When will he not have this power over me anymore?

Everyday I try to be positive. I always try and tell myself that my life is not really all that bad. It could be worse. Some days are easier than others. I have days when I feel so overwhelmed all I want to do is crawl into my bed, go to sleep and not wake up for a few days. I hate this standstill my life is in right now. I am so ready to take many steps forward but everything is just up in the air.

I know in my heart this is the path I was intended to follow and that it will get easier and I will be a better person but WHEN???

Taking a little power back..

I made it very clear to him when he left that if he wanted this to end in divorce that he would have to file because this was not what I wanted. Then, the thought of sitting around waiting for the papers became unbearable. I did not want to live through that moment of getting something that officially says your marriage is over.

The moment I decided that I would be the one to file the papers was after a conversation I had with him. As I have said before most of the conversations I had with him were me screaming at him and this one was no different. I had found out that he had taken the homewrecker to a family dinner at his mom's house. I don't know why I got so upset. I guess it was because my place had been taken, already. His mom had only contacted me by email and that was only to give me advice on where to go for counseling. Ummm...don't ya think your cheating ass son needs the counseling?? I called him and just laid into him. I was so angry and of course he was being so callous about it. At some point he said to me, she is a part of my life now and she will be a part of the boys' life. I went from anger to protective mode in 3 seconds flat. I thought, over my dead body. After I got off the phone I found a lawyer and set up an appointment. There was absolutely no way in hell I was going to let him bring that person into the boys life. I filed for divorce.