Tuesday, July 21, 2009 my husband walked away from our life. The one thing I feared the most was telling the boys that daddy was not going to live with us anymore. I knew it would be easier for Ian since he was only 2 yrs old but Nathan, that was going to be hard. Nathan loved his dad more than anything. I knew this was going to crush him.
He came home from work and his plan was to pack up some clothes and leave. OH NO!! There was no way I was going to let the boys watch their dad pack up and walk out. I told him..this is what you want so YOU will tell Nathan. My plan was to wait until he told Nate and then I was talking the boys to dinner while he packed a bag and left.
I was shaking and holding back tears. He told Nathan he was not going to be living with us anymore. I will never forget the look on Nate's face. Pure sadness, his chin quivered and I just started crying. All he kept saying to Nate was this was not your fault, you will always be my buddy and I love you. I can remember Nate looking at me and would not look away. He would not look at his dad. Finally after about 10 mins of him telling Nate the same thing over and over, I said, let's go to McDonald's. I couldn't take it anymore..it was time to go. I grabbed Ian and Nate and we headed for the door. I didn't say one word to him. In the car I told Nate, we are going to be ok. We are a team now, we will be ok. He just shook his head and hugged me. My baby boy's heart was broken.
I swore that when I had kids I would do everything to make sure they would always have a mom and dad that stayed married. I didn't want my kids to have to deal with divorce the way I had to. I didn't want them to have to deal with step-parents the way I had to. I didn't want them to have to deal with feeling second best to Daddy's new life or Mommy's new life. I failed my kids. I didn't keep my promise. I didn't do everything I could to stay married. I can't count how many times I asked him if our marriage was strong enough to be parents and to stay married forever. He always said yes. He lied.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
What am I doing??
For the next few weeks I tried really hard to move forward. There was one problem, he was treating me like I was the one that did something wrong. I was the one doing all the apologizing, all of the talking, all of the hugging, all of the kissing. He was not putting in any effort to making this better. He was not apologizing to me for what he had done. I was making alot of changes and he was pushing me away. I did not understand why this was happening. I started having anxiety attacks and I was crying all the time. My kids did not understand why I was sad all the time. I was having a hard time coping with this. I was scared, confused, hurt, lonely and so many other things. I was just hoping that going to counseling would help but then he throws yet another bomb at me. We had to fill out some paperwork for the therapist and there was a question that asked, why are you seeking help? He wrote, Because I don't love my wife anymore and I want to be with someone else. When I actually saw those words on paper my heart completely broke in two. I just cried and cried. At the time I didn't really think about why he gave me his paperwork. He could have just kept it and taken it to the office himself. Now, I know why he did that, because he was a COWARD!! He still is one to this day. Why could he not just be man enough to tell me he was unhappy and didn't want to be with me? I think I at least deserved that.
For that entire night after reading the papers, I could not stop crying. He never once asked me what was wrong or if I was ok. He just ignored me. So, of course I started a conversation with him. It was basically me starting off begging him to love me and to stay in our marriage. The more we talked there was one thing that kept going through my mind and it was a line form a song by the band Daughtry. I had been listening to their new CD and this song, What I meant to say seemed to be written just for me. The line that kept going through my head was, All this sucking up to you is getting old. As I was sitting there listening to the man I have loved for 15 years tell me that he did not love me anymore I finally said, ya know what? NO!! I deserve better than this. I did not do anything wrong and I am trying to get this asshole to stay. What am I doing? I finally said told him it was time for him to go. I could not live in the same house with someone who could not even look at me. I did ask him to still go to counseling and he agreed but he would not agree to not seeing his whore after he moved out. I do believe I went a little crazy because I started literally beating him up. I was punching him in the arms, stomach, face, everywhere. I don't know what came over me...finally, ANGER!!
I just told him he needed to move out the next day after work. My marriage was over.
For that entire night after reading the papers, I could not stop crying. He never once asked me what was wrong or if I was ok. He just ignored me. So, of course I started a conversation with him. It was basically me starting off begging him to love me and to stay in our marriage. The more we talked there was one thing that kept going through my mind and it was a line form a song by the band Daughtry. I had been listening to their new CD and this song, What I meant to say seemed to be written just for me. The line that kept going through my head was, All this sucking up to you is getting old. As I was sitting there listening to the man I have loved for 15 years tell me that he did not love me anymore I finally said, ya know what? NO!! I deserve better than this. I did not do anything wrong and I am trying to get this asshole to stay. What am I doing? I finally said told him it was time for him to go. I could not live in the same house with someone who could not even look at me. I did ask him to still go to counseling and he agreed but he would not agree to not seeing his whore after he moved out. I do believe I went a little crazy because I started literally beating him up. I was punching him in the arms, stomach, face, everywhere. I don't know what came over me...finally, ANGER!!
I just told him he needed to move out the next day after work. My marriage was over.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Didn't expect this...
It was the week of the 4th of July and his birthday when all this started and after our "fight" I convinced him that we needed to start making changes and get our marriage back on track. I tried to go on like nothing had happened. We went to his mom's house for his birthday celebration and acted like nothing was wrong. I was really ready to make things better. I was ready to put all my effort into making him happy and making our marriage stronger. When we got home that night and after we put the kids to bed he said he needed some time alone. He left and went to a hotel. I had no idea what was about to happen when he got home the next day.
He got home about noon and when he walked in the door I could tell this was not going to be good. We went in to the bedroom and I asked him what was going to happen. He said, I don't want to be married to you anymore. I said, how can you give up on us when this is the first major bump we have had in our marriage? He never could answer me. I had asked him the night of our fight if he had been unfaithful and he looked me in the eyes and said no. He lied. I cannot remember exactly how it finally came out but he looked at me and said, I am sorry but there is someone else. My body went numb. I just stood there staring at him, not able to move. I could feel my heart crack. I asked him, did you sleep with her? He said yes. I slapped him right across the face. Called him an SOB. How could he do this to me? What the hell did I do to deserve this? He never said he was unhappy. WHAT???
I asked him if he loved her. He said yes, I think I do. I slapped him again. I fell to my knees and just wept. Why does this always happen to me? Am I really that bad of a person? I have never had so many things go through my head at one time. How am I going to support my kids without him? I don't have a college degree, I have not worked in 5 years. How in the hell am I going to do this??
I always thought and said that if this ever happened I would tell him to get out and that would be it. That did not happen. I don't know why and I probably never will but when I looked at him I did not feel hatred. When I looked at him I felt sadness and guilt. I felt like this is my fault because I was not a good enough wife. I didn't do anything right. I didn't make him feel loved and wanted. He turned to some girl that said all the right things, all the things I should have been doing. I found myself just wanting to hold him and tell him I was sorry for pushing him to that line and for making him cross it. I told him that I could move past this. We need to work this out for our kids. He agreed. He promised not to talk to the home wrecker again. I don't know if he kept that promise. We also decided that we would go to counseling. For the next two weeks I tried everything to make things better. I was leaving him little notes, cleaning the house better, paying more attention to him, the works. In return, I was getting treated like I had the plague. He would barely touch me, he couldn't even look at me. I was the one putting in all the effort, apologizing everyday and I wasn't even the one who cheated. I cried myself to sleep every night. He was lying next to me and I felt more alone than I would have if he was 3,000 miles away.
He got home about noon and when he walked in the door I could tell this was not going to be good. We went in to the bedroom and I asked him what was going to happen. He said, I don't want to be married to you anymore. I said, how can you give up on us when this is the first major bump we have had in our marriage? He never could answer me. I had asked him the night of our fight if he had been unfaithful and he looked me in the eyes and said no. He lied. I cannot remember exactly how it finally came out but he looked at me and said, I am sorry but there is someone else. My body went numb. I just stood there staring at him, not able to move. I could feel my heart crack. I asked him, did you sleep with her? He said yes. I slapped him right across the face. Called him an SOB. How could he do this to me? What the hell did I do to deserve this? He never said he was unhappy. WHAT???
I asked him if he loved her. He said yes, I think I do. I slapped him again. I fell to my knees and just wept. Why does this always happen to me? Am I really that bad of a person? I have never had so many things go through my head at one time. How am I going to support my kids without him? I don't have a college degree, I have not worked in 5 years. How in the hell am I going to do this??
I always thought and said that if this ever happened I would tell him to get out and that would be it. That did not happen. I don't know why and I probably never will but when I looked at him I did not feel hatred. When I looked at him I felt sadness and guilt. I felt like this is my fault because I was not a good enough wife. I didn't do anything right. I didn't make him feel loved and wanted. He turned to some girl that said all the right things, all the things I should have been doing. I found myself just wanting to hold him and tell him I was sorry for pushing him to that line and for making him cross it. I told him that I could move past this. We need to work this out for our kids. He agreed. He promised not to talk to the home wrecker again. I don't know if he kept that promise. We also decided that we would go to counseling. For the next two weeks I tried everything to make things better. I was leaving him little notes, cleaning the house better, paying more attention to him, the works. In return, I was getting treated like I had the plague. He would barely touch me, he couldn't even look at me. I was the one putting in all the effort, apologizing everyday and I wasn't even the one who cheated. I cried myself to sleep every night. He was lying next to me and I felt more alone than I would have if he was 3,000 miles away.
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