Taking a little power back..

I made it very clear to him when he left that if he wanted this to end in divorce that he would have to file because this was not what I wanted. Then, the thought of sitting around waiting for the papers became unbearable. I did not want to live through that moment of getting something that officially says your marriage is over.

The moment I decided that I would be the one to file the papers was after a conversation I had with him. As I have said before most of the conversations I had with him were me screaming at him and this one was no different. I had found out that he had taken the homewrecker to a family dinner at his mom's house. I don't know why I got so upset. I guess it was because my place had been taken, already. His mom had only contacted me by email and that was only to give me advice on where to go for counseling. Ummm...don't ya think your cheating ass son needs the counseling?? I called him and just laid into him. I was so angry and of course he was being so callous about it. At some point he said to me, she is a part of my life now and she will be a part of the boys' life. I went from anger to protective mode in 3 seconds flat. I thought, over my dead body. After I got off the phone I found a lawyer and set up an appointment. There was absolutely no way in hell I was going to let him bring that person into the boys life. I filed for divorce.

Feelings

It is amazing how many emotions you go through when the only life you have ever known is ripped right out from under you with no warning. I could not understand how he could just stop loving me. I still loved him. There were days when I would miss him so much and I just wanted to call him and beg him to come back. Then there were days where I absolutely hated him. I couldn't stand to look at him. For the first several months any conversation we had always turned into me yelling at him and him not showing any emotion what so ever. He treated me like a piece of garbage he tossed on the side of the road. I could not understand how he could treat the woman who did nothing but love him and gave birth to his two sons like this. How could he walk away from his kids? This is exactly what his dad did to him and his brothers and he had an estranged relationship with his dad for most of his life. Although he is still a part of their lives the key word is "part." I asked him at one point if he thought about me or the boys when he was having his affair and he said with no hesitation, "no." That says alot. It says that he was being very selfish. He was only thinking of himself and not about the people who love him the most. It was really hard for me not to keep thinking to myself, what is wrong with me? Why was I not good enough for him? What does she have that I don't? I was beating myself up.

After a while I had to start thinking about my kids. I had to realize that this is not only about me and how I feel. They already had one parent give up on them, I could not give up. I had alot of people telling me that I should be hurtful and mean to him but, really, who does that benefit? I did not want my kids to see me being mean to their dad. What kind of message did that send? I had to show them that I could be strong and that I was there for them. This is not to say that I didn't have days or moments of complete breakdown. They saw me cry alot and I got angry alot but I never let them go to bed without telling them I love them with a hug and kiss. The two things that got me out of bed every morning were, Nathan and Ian.

Time to go

Tuesday, July 21, 2009 my husband walked away from our life. The one thing I feared the most was telling the boys that daddy was not going to live with us anymore. I knew it would be easier for Ian since he was only 2 yrs old but Nathan, that was going to be hard. Nathan loved his dad more than anything. I knew this was going to crush him.

He came home from work and his plan was to pack up some clothes and leave. OH NO!! There was no way I was going to let the boys watch their dad pack up and walk out. I told him..this is what you want so YOU will tell Nathan. My plan was to wait until he told Nate and then I was talking the boys to dinner while he packed a bag and left.

I was shaking and holding back tears. He told Nathan he was not going to be living with us anymore. I will never forget the look on Nate's face. Pure sadness, his chin quivered and I just started crying. All he kept saying to Nate was this was not your fault, you will always be my buddy and I love you. I can remember Nate looking at me and would not look away. He would not look at his dad. Finally after about 10 mins of him telling Nate the same thing over and over, I said, let's go to McDonald's. I couldn't take it anymore..it was time to go. I grabbed Ian and Nate and we headed for the door. I didn't say one word to him. In the car I told Nate, we are going to be ok. We are a team now, we will be ok. He just shook his head and hugged me. My baby boy's heart was broken.

I swore that when I had kids I would do everything to make sure they would always have a mom and dad that stayed married. I didn't want my kids to have to deal with divorce the way I had to. I didn't want them to have to deal with step-parents the way I had to. I didn't want them to have to deal with feeling second best to Daddy's new life or Mommy's new life. I failed my kids. I didn't keep my promise. I didn't do everything I could to stay married. I can't count how many times I asked him if our marriage was strong enough to be parents and to stay married forever. He always said yes. He lied.