Will it ever get easier?

Every time I start to feel like I am moving on, I have a really bad day or week where I am angry, hurt, sad and frustrated. I sit and wonder, when will this get easier? When will I not be angry anymore? When will I stop wondering, what happened? I just want to be happy again. I want to feel like myself again. I want to wake up in the morning and not have to think about my marriage ending and question myself. I want to go through one entire day without thinking about him. I want to have one day where I don't get angry at my kids for no reason at all. When will he not have this power over me anymore?

Everyday I try to be positive. I always try and tell myself that my life is not really all that bad. It could be worse. Some days are easier than others. I have days when I feel so overwhelmed all I want to do is crawl into my bed, go to sleep and not wake up for a few days. I hate this standstill my life is in right now. I am so ready to take many steps forward but everything is just up in the air.

I know in my heart this is the path I was intended to follow and that it will get easier and I will be a better person but WHEN???

Taking a little power back..

I made it very clear to him when he left that if he wanted this to end in divorce that he would have to file because this was not what I wanted. Then, the thought of sitting around waiting for the papers became unbearable. I did not want to live through that moment of getting something that officially says your marriage is over.

The moment I decided that I would be the one to file the papers was after a conversation I had with him. As I have said before most of the conversations I had with him were me screaming at him and this one was no different. I had found out that he had taken the homewrecker to a family dinner at his mom's house. I don't know why I got so upset. I guess it was because my place had been taken, already. His mom had only contacted me by email and that was only to give me advice on where to go for counseling. Ummm...don't ya think your cheating ass son needs the counseling?? I called him and just laid into him. I was so angry and of course he was being so callous about it. At some point he said to me, she is a part of my life now and she will be a part of the boys' life. I went from anger to protective mode in 3 seconds flat. I thought, over my dead body. After I got off the phone I found a lawyer and set up an appointment. There was absolutely no way in hell I was going to let him bring that person into the boys life. I filed for divorce.

Feelings

It is amazing how many emotions you go through when the only life you have ever known is ripped right out from under you with no warning. I could not understand how he could just stop loving me. I still loved him. There were days when I would miss him so much and I just wanted to call him and beg him to come back. Then there were days where I absolutely hated him. I couldn't stand to look at him. For the first several months any conversation we had always turned into me yelling at him and him not showing any emotion what so ever. He treated me like a piece of garbage he tossed on the side of the road. I could not understand how he could treat the woman who did nothing but love him and gave birth to his two sons like this. How could he walk away from his kids? This is exactly what his dad did to him and his brothers and he had an estranged relationship with his dad for most of his life. Although he is still a part of their lives the key word is "part." I asked him at one point if he thought about me or the boys when he was having his affair and he said with no hesitation, "no." That says alot. It says that he was being very selfish. He was only thinking of himself and not about the people who love him the most. It was really hard for me not to keep thinking to myself, what is wrong with me? Why was I not good enough for him? What does she have that I don't? I was beating myself up.

After a while I had to start thinking about my kids. I had to realize that this is not only about me and how I feel. They already had one parent give up on them, I could not give up. I had alot of people telling me that I should be hurtful and mean to him but, really, who does that benefit? I did not want my kids to see me being mean to their dad. What kind of message did that send? I had to show them that I could be strong and that I was there for them. This is not to say that I didn't have days or moments of complete breakdown. They saw me cry alot and I got angry alot but I never let them go to bed without telling them I love them with a hug and kiss. The two things that got me out of bed every morning were, Nathan and Ian.