Time to go

Tuesday, July 21, 2009 my husband walked away from our life. The one thing I feared the most was telling the boys that daddy was not going to live with us anymore. I knew it would be easier for Ian since he was only 2 yrs old but Nathan, that was going to be hard. Nathan loved his dad more than anything. I knew this was going to crush him.

He came home from work and his plan was to pack up some clothes and leave. OH NO!! There was no way I was going to let the boys watch their dad pack up and walk out. I told him..this is what you want so YOU will tell Nathan. My plan was to wait until he told Nate and then I was talking the boys to dinner while he packed a bag and left.

I was shaking and holding back tears. He told Nathan he was not going to be living with us anymore. I will never forget the look on Nate's face. Pure sadness, his chin quivered and I just started crying. All he kept saying to Nate was this was not your fault, you will always be my buddy and I love you. I can remember Nate looking at me and would not look away. He would not look at his dad. Finally after about 10 mins of him telling Nate the same thing over and over, I said, let's go to McDonald's. I couldn't take it anymore..it was time to go. I grabbed Ian and Nate and we headed for the door. I didn't say one word to him. In the car I told Nate, we are going to be ok. We are a team now, we will be ok. He just shook his head and hugged me. My baby boy's heart was broken.

I swore that when I had kids I would do everything to make sure they would always have a mom and dad that stayed married. I didn't want my kids to have to deal with divorce the way I had to. I didn't want them to have to deal with step-parents the way I had to. I didn't want them to have to deal with feeling second best to Daddy's new life or Mommy's new life. I failed my kids. I didn't keep my promise. I didn't do everything I could to stay married. I can't count how many times I asked him if our marriage was strong enough to be parents and to stay married forever. He always said yes. He lied.