Didn't expect this...

It was the week of the 4th of July and his birthday when all this started and after our "fight" I convinced him that we needed to start making changes and get our marriage back on track. I tried to go on like nothing had happened. We went to his mom's house for his birthday celebration and acted like nothing was wrong. I was really ready to make things better. I was ready to put all my effort into making him happy and making our marriage stronger. When we got home that night and after we put the kids to bed he said he needed some time alone. He left and went to a hotel. I had no idea what was about to happen when he got home the next day.

He got home about noon and when he walked in the door I could tell this was not going to be good. We went in to the bedroom and I asked him what was going to happen. He said, I don't want to be married to you anymore. I said, how can you give up on us when this is the first major bump we have had in our marriage? He never could answer me. I had asked him the night of our fight if he had been unfaithful and he looked me in the eyes and said no. He lied. I cannot remember exactly how it finally came out but he looked at me and said, I am sorry but there is someone else. My body went numb. I just stood there staring at him, not able to move. I could feel my heart crack. I asked him, did you sleep with her? He said yes. I slapped him right across the face. Called him an SOB. How could he do this to me? What the hell did I do to deserve this? He never said he was unhappy. WHAT???
I asked him if he loved her. He said yes, I think I do. I slapped him again. I fell to my knees and just wept. Why does this always happen to me? Am I really that bad of a person? I have never had so many things go through my head at one time. How am I going to support my kids without him? I don't have a college degree, I have not worked in 5 years. How in the hell am I going to do this??

I always thought and said that if this ever happened I would tell him to get out and that would be it. That did not happen. I don't know why and I probably never will but when I looked at him I did not feel hatred. When I looked at him I felt sadness and guilt. I felt like this is my fault because I was not a good enough wife. I didn't do anything right. I didn't make him feel loved and wanted. He turned to some girl that said all the right things, all the things I should have been doing. I found myself just wanting to hold him and tell him I was sorry for pushing him to that line and for making him cross it. I told him that I could move past this. We need to work this out for our kids. He agreed. He promised not to talk to the home wrecker again. I don't know if he kept that promise. We also decided that we would go to counseling. For the next two weeks I tried everything to make things better. I was leaving him little notes, cleaning the house better, paying more attention to him, the works. In return, I was getting treated like I had the plague. He would barely touch me, he couldn't even look at me. I was the one putting in all the effort, apologizing everyday and I wasn't even the one who cheated. I cried myself to sleep every night. He was lying next to me and I felt more alone than I would have if he was 3,000 miles away.

My story begins..

I was married for 8 years and together for 15 years to a man I loved with all of my heart. I had been with him for my entire adult life and I honestly thought we would be together forever. He treated me decently, he made me laugh, we had two wonderful children and we had a good marriage. I was a stay at home mom and I was truly grateful that I was able to stay home with our kids. I was able to find a love for football and other sports as well. He was never really the romantic type but there were times that he did nice and sweet things for me. He was a good provider, a loving father and I know at one time he did love me and I know he loves his kids. I would look at him sometimes and think to myself, I don't know how I could live without him. I felt safe and loved.

Starting in mid 2008 things began to change. I could sense that we were drifting apart and we were not as close as we once were. I knew something was wrong but I choose to ignore it. I was enjoying the things I was doing and didn't want to deal with it. I guess I was scared of what he would say. Looking back, I wish I would have said something because things could have turned out differently than they did. I came home from a trip at the end of June 2009 and I knew something was wrong instantly. This is when my world comes crashing down.

It started with a fight about money. We never fought but when we did it was always about money. He was very tight when it came to that. I shouldn't complain about that because we did have a comfortable life and it was because he was careful. But, it was never easy for me not making my own money and having to get an "allowance" every month. I just never really adapted to that very well. It was not like I was going out and spending boat loads of money on myself but it was to much for him. We had our usual back and forth words but then he said he was fed up. I didn't know what that meant and then he said he was done and couldn't do this anymore. That was it, my heart sank. I knew by the look on his face that he was done with our marriage. I could not breathe. I didn't know what to think, what to say. I just sat there looking at him, crying. All I could think was, this cannot be happening. All of a sudden I was at his feet practically begging him to not say those things. Telling him we can fix this. Saying we can't do this to our kids. I was so confused. This came out of left field. He never said anything about being unhappy. In fact, we never talked about how we felt for a long while. I remember him shaking his head every time I would say we can fix this. We talked for hours but it was going nowhere. Finally, we just went to bed...not together.

Why I started this Blog...

I decided that I needed to start this blog because 7 months ago my life changed forever. I wanted a place that I could put my feelings and help myself move on. It will contain my story and in between there will be many different things. Just depends on how I am feeling. I will take time to thank the many people that have helped me become a stronger and better person.

So, grab the tissues and read on.....