Saturday, May 8, 2010

The "Firsts"

What do I mean by, the "Firsts?" Well, the first holiday or occasion after the separation/divorce. For example, Halloween, Christmas, birthdays, etc. I have not handled these very well at all. I always end up crying and feeling really sorry for myself and I absolutely HATE IT!! I know that this is all part of the process and I should just allow myself to feel these things but I am so sick of having really good days/weeks and then BAM...depressed. It just plain sucks.

The first, first that I can remember feeling the way I do right now is Super Bowl Sunday. Yes, I had a Thanksgiving, Christmas and many other things but those times were so busy that I did not have time to sit and think about it. Usually, on Super Bowl Sunday we always had family and friends over to watch the game. It was great to have a house full of people. This year, it was just me and the boys. I cried alot. But, I got through it and on Monday I was fine.

Today is the day before Mother's Day and I can't stop thinking, this will be the first time since Nate was born that I will not get a card or flowers from them. I will not get the joy of doing nothing while someone else does all the housework and cooking. It is all me. Just like any other day. I hate feeling this way. I should be grateful that I have all the wonderful things I have in my life and I am. I can't stand that my kids have to see me cry on a day like this. They don't understand why and I don't know how to explain it. I just really hope that one day I will wake up and all these feelings will be gone.

I am trying to focus on the BBQ with wonderful friends on Sunday and Monday for Nate's award and Mother's Day Tea. It will be a wonderful and love filled day. Also, I only have two more "firsts" to battle. My what would have been my 9th wedding anniversary this month and Ian's birthday in June. After that, mid-July will mark one year since he walked out. Maybe after that I will be able to finally be 100% happy?!?!?!?!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Bright Sunshine Day..

How do I explain how the last week has been for me? My life has been a complete nightmare for the past 9 months. I have cried more than I have ever in my entire 37 years. I have never been so angry and hurt. I have met all of my demons and never thought I would conquer any of them until this week.

I found out that he had lied to me once again and didn't do what he said he was going to do. Big surprise there! I had to see a look of despair on my 6yr old son's face because he knew something that he didn't want to tell me because he thought it would make me upset. All because my jerk of an ex could not be man enough to talk to me. He is still being a selfish ass. I confronted him on it via email and of course didn't like what I read. As I am reading his email I thought there goes my really great mood but to my surprise, my great mood did not go away. I did not cry. I did not get angry. WOW!! I told a friend of mine the story and she says to me, "Vanessa, I think you just hit a milestone, you are over him!" She was right. I felt like the weight of the last 9 months had been lifted away and the dark cloud above my head was gone and the sun was shining. I WAS HAPPY!

I know that moving out of the house we bought together and getting a place for just me and the boys had alot to do with me being able to come to this place I am at and also doing all the things that were always done for me. I feel a sense of power and accomplishment. I know I have some more milestones to cross but BRING IT ON!! :)
I am not scared anymore.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

The Divorce

Going through a divorce is not a fun process and I don't think I would wish it upon my worst enemy. One very important thing I learned was true colors come shining through. There was one question I kept asking myself and others and that was, "Who is he?" He is not the person I married. He is not the kind, caring and understanding man I loved. He turned out to be a cruel, heartless and mean person.

I think the actual court date was the worst of any. I really felt like I was in a lifetime movie and I was numb. His lawyer was a complete jerk and tried to get some outrageous things. I, on the other hand had a great lawyer and I thank my lucky stars everyday I had him. His lawyer tried to make it seem like I was the one that wanted this divorce just because I filed first. He tried to make it look like I was trying to keep the boys from their dad. He tried to make it look like he was struggling financially. My lawyer shot every single thing right down and the judge saw right through it.

I was doing really well and had not broken down UNTIL... it was told that he was living with his "girlfriend", aka, HOMEWRECKER and she was not paying rent! REALLY??? Here you sit trying to say oh I can't afford to pay her any money to take care of our kids but my whore is living with me for FREE!!! What a jackass. At that moment I knew he had been lying to me and the boys knew who she was. I was so upset.

In the end, the judge was very fair and I ended up getting almost everything I asked for. I tried to tell him that if he divorced me he would be poor and I was right. In order to understand that statement let me tell you a little something about this man I married. HE WAS A TIGHTASS!! Any time he would spend money his ass would squeak!! So, the sweetest revenge for me is when his pocketbook takes a hit. I know this must make me sound like a gold digger but I am really not. It is just that he was so callous towards me and the one way I know he is hurting is by seeing his precious money slip away!