The "Firsts"

What do I mean by, the "Firsts?" Well, the first holiday or occasion after the separation/divorce. For example, Halloween, Christmas, birthdays, etc. I have not handled these very well at all. I always end up crying and feeling really sorry for myself and I absolutely HATE IT!! I know that this is all part of the process and I should just allow myself to feel these things but I am so sick of having really good days/weeks and then BAM...depressed. It just plain sucks.

The first, first that I can remember feeling the way I do right now is Super Bowl Sunday. Yes, I had a Thanksgiving, Christmas and many other things but those times were so busy that I did not have time to sit and think about it. Usually, on Super Bowl Sunday we always had family and friends over to watch the game. It was great to have a house full of people. This year, it was just me and the boys. I cried alot. But, I got through it and on Monday I was fine.

Today is the day before Mother's Day and I can't stop thinking, this will be the first time since Nate was born that I will not get a card or flowers from them. I will not get the joy of doing nothing while someone else does all the housework and cooking. It is all me. Just like any other day. I hate feeling this way. I should be grateful that I have all the wonderful things I have in my life and I am. I can't stand that my kids have to see me cry on a day like this. They don't understand why and I don't know how to explain it. I just really hope that one day I will wake up and all these feelings will be gone.

I am trying to focus on the BBQ with wonderful friends on Sunday and Monday for Nate's award and Mother's Day Tea. It will be a wonderful and love filled day. Also, I only have two more "firsts" to battle. My what would have been my 9th wedding anniversary this month and Ian's birthday in June. After that, mid-July will mark one year since he walked out. Maybe after that I will be able to finally be 100% happy?!?!?!?!