Feelings

It is amazing how many emotions you go through when the only life you have ever known is ripped right out from under you with no warning. I could not understand how he could just stop loving me. I still loved him. There were days when I would miss him so much and I just wanted to call him and beg him to come back. Then there were days where I absolutely hated him. I couldn't stand to look at him. For the first several months any conversation we had always turned into me yelling at him and him not showing any emotion what so ever. He treated me like a piece of garbage he tossed on the side of the road. I could not understand how he could treat the woman who did nothing but love him and gave birth to his two sons like this. How could he walk away from his kids? This is exactly what his dad did to him and his brothers and he had an estranged relationship with his dad for most of his life. Although he is still a part of their lives the key word is "part." I asked him at one point if he thought about me or the boys when he was having his affair and he said with no hesitation, "no." That says alot. It says that he was being very selfish. He was only thinking of himself and not about the people who love him the most. It was really hard for me not to keep thinking to myself, what is wrong with me? Why was I not good enough for him? What does she have that I don't? I was beating myself up.

After a while I had to start thinking about my kids. I had to realize that this is not only about me and how I feel. They already had one parent give up on them, I could not give up. I had alot of people telling me that I should be hurtful and mean to him but, really, who does that benefit? I did not want my kids to see me being mean to their dad. What kind of message did that send? I had to show them that I could be strong and that I was there for them. This is not to say that I didn't have days or moments of complete breakdown. They saw me cry alot and I got angry alot but I never let them go to bed without telling them I love them with a hug and kiss. The two things that got me out of bed every morning were, Nathan and Ian.